Time To Protect America From Zombies!

By: Dean Obeidallah for CNN
By: Dean Obeidallah for CNN

Editor's note: Dean Obeidallah, a former attorney, is a political comedian and frequent commentator on various TV networks including CNN. He is the editor of the politics blog "The Dean's Report" and co-director of the upcoming documentary, "The Muslims Are Coming!" Follow him on Twitter: @deanofcomedy.

(CNN) -- While America slept -- or at least while the left ate their organic ostrich burgers, drank their jackfruit-guava-flavored vitamin water and tweeted "cleverly" about Marco Rubio's "Watergate" -- Canada was preparing to counter a growing threat to the nation.

Patriotic members of the Canadian Parliament stood up to political correctness last week by declaring that Canada will not tolerate an influx of zombies. Foreign Affairs Minister John Baird even went as far as to boldly state that "Canada will never become a safe haven for zombies, ever."

Of course, the lamestream media didn't cover this story. They prefer you worry about things like meteors and cruise ships instead of a growing zombie threat.

But it's time for Americans to wake up! Canada's zombie preparedness means one thing for us: Zombies will be driven out of Canada and into the United States. And once they are here, good luck getting them out of the country.

Sure, some will argue that we can make conditions so tough for zombies that they will self-deport. But I'm not buying it. Why? A few reasons. One, zombies have no sense of direction. Sure, you can point zombies in the direction of Canada and hope they keep walking as a pack over the border, but they're easily distracted.

Second, Americans are fatter than Canadians, which means we are more appealing for zombies to eat than our slimmer northern neighbors.

Third, and most important, America is the greatest country in the world, so why would a zombie want to live anywhere else?!

I know some will dismiss me as an alarmist, but I wonder how you will feel when one these zombies steals your job.

Sure, zombie expert Max Brooks, author of the books "The Zombie Survival Guide" and "World War Z," informed me that zombies can't be trained to take our jobs. But I have two things to say about Brooks.

One, he's part of the liberal Hollywood elite who tries to sell us on the notion that zombies aren't a threat to our nation's exceptionalism. Check out the recent Hollywood film "Warm Bodies," which is a romantic comedy about a girl falling in love with a zombie. Sorry, Max and Hollywood: Zombies don't need a hug; they need a swift kick out of our country.

Second, just because zombies aren't skilled enough to take our jobs today, what about in the future? The zombie virus could mutate, and before you know it, some undead person is doing your job for half the pay. I, for one, don't want to tell a red-blooded American human kid that his dream of being of a dog-walker is over because some zombie learned how to hold a leash.

Plus, keep in mind that if even only a few zombies make it over the border, these "anchor zombies" will create more and more zombies. This is a threat to our very existence. I'm not just talking the danger of them eating our brains, which could happen. I'm talking about the greater risk they pose to our federal deficit because they will want handouts from our government.

It's just a matter of time until Gov. Andrew Cuomo of New York or House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi says zombies should receive government benefits. How long after that do you think it will be until these people argue that zombies should be covered under Obamacare?! Keep in mind that zombies far outlive humans, so they will be a great drain on Medicare.

And we all know where this is all ultimately leading. Two words: zombie amnesty. The living dead will then have an easier path to citizenship than the living.

Brooks and I did agree that we need the federal government to respond to the dangers posed by an influx of zombies. (While I'm usually against new government programs, I do support any that will benefit me directly.)

But Brooks, in typical liberal fashion, advocates a coordinated global response to the zombie threat. Nice try, Max, but that's just another ploy by you and your elitist friends to get us to give up control of our nation to the United Nations. Not on my watch, buddy.

I see these zombies for what they truly are: un-American. They don't speak English, they don't share our values, and they eat human beings. Plus, they're probably all liberals. After all, you can't be pro-life if you eat people.

I hope my fellow Americans wake up before it's too late. We need to secure our borders now before we talk about allowing any zombie reform legislation allowing them to enter or remain in our country. If not, then I hope the Rosetta Stone starts teaching us how to speak zombie, because we are all going to need it.

The opinions expressed in this commentary are solely those of Dean Obeidallah.

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