NEW YORK - A fan accused of creepy activities that left Uma Thurman "completely freaked out" insisted Friday that his longtime crush on the actress was harmless.

"In a misguided way I was trying to give her an opportunity to meet me and give myself an opportunity to meet her," said the defendant, who identified himself on the witness stand as Jackson William Leslie Jordan.

"I was not trying to scare her in any way," Jordan added, despite the fact that he showed up at her movie set and her home, and sent e-mails and letters to Thurman and her family.

On Thursday, Thurman testified about a bizarre card that the defendant delivered to her trailer in Manhattan's SoHo section, where she was making a movie.

It bore a drawing of an open grave, a headstone and a man standing on the edge of a razor blade. A spiral of random words referred to "chocolate, mouth, soft, kissing" and declared, "My hands should be on your body at all times."

"I was completely freaked out," Thurman said of the drawing, which was on a religious confirmation card. "It was almost like a nightmare; it was scary."

Thurman said bits of paper fluttered out when she opened the card. One of them was a picture of a bride with her head torn off.

On Friday, Jordan tried to explain the card's meaning.

"I felt I was walking the razor's edge," he said. "I felt that it reflected this relationship that I unfortunately imaged we had."

He added: "This cartoon was meant to amuse her, to endear me to her."

Defense attorney George Vomvolakis asked: "Do you see how this could have scared her?"

Jordan replied: "I see it now. It's an ironic, kind of twisted sense of humor."

Thurman also said e-mails from the defendant made references to her ex-husband and children. One said, "You have no children," and called her kids, ages 6 and 9, an "illusion." The same e-mail referred to the biblical story of God ordering Abraham to kill his son Isaac but then rescinding the order.

The actress and her parents and brother, who also testified previously, were not in Manhattan's state Supreme Court on Friday.

Jordan said that he was "humiliated" by the trial and the fact that his private affections for the actress had become so public.

He is charged with stalking and aggravated harassment, and faces up to a year in jail, if convicted.

He admitted he had told Thurman's family that he would kill himself if he couldn't' meet her. But he added it "was a clumsy and poor way of expressing my emotions for her."

"I wasn't feeling suicidal, but I was expressing a depth of feeling that was very distressing," he said.

Jordan, who lives in Gaithersburg, Md., said he first developed a crush on Thurman when he was in high school after seeing her in the movie, "The Adventures of Baron Munchausen."

His feelings for her intensified, he said, after he saw her in "Kill Bill," in 2003. The movie prompted him to sent her a letter in which he said: "I was overcome by a tenderness and affection for you that I've never felt in my life. I feel that we are destined to meet," Jordan testified.